How to be a manly man

It's pretty odd that a uber-metro sexual androgynous bloke like myself, who is vehemently opposed to the patriarchy and the rigid gender roles in which contemporary men are stuck in would be writing an article on how to be a manly man. If anything, I should be condemning such articles at face value - right? Actually, my essay attempts to deconstruct the stereotypical notions of masculinity, and reconstruct them in order to demonstrate how men can be truly "masculine", as opposed to putting up the facade of "masculinity" to cover up one's own impotence. I will elaborate on this point later on.

Right, we could very well do with a checklist on how you can be a manly man. First and foremost:

1. A manly man is a leader, not a follower

Do you notice what guys like Muhammad Ali, Winston Churchill, Bruce Lee, Henry VIII, and Eddie Izzard all have in common? First, you might notice that these guys call their own shots. They did not conform like sheep to a shepherd to the rigidly defined mores of their society. They were not afraid to take risks, and did not try to seek the approval of others. They maintained a "love me or hate me I don't give a rat's a$$ attitude", an attitude which is sorely lacking in the politically correct, grovelling conformists of today. They don't/didn't apologize for their opinions. And oh yeah, they were/are also pretty f**king manly. Too many men these days act not for the approval of themselves, but rather for the approval of others, ESPECIALLY the approval of women (it is understandable, since straight men are naturally attracted to women!). Now in my opinion, the problem with this attitude is that, if you pattern your life in order to meet the approval of someone else, you would be putting up a lie of appearance. And believe me, you cannot pretend to be who you are not forever, which is why so many married cross-dressing men end up in the divorcee list, as soon as their wives find out about their so-called "sexual fetish". Wouldn't it be better instead of living a lie, to portray who you truly are to the world, and meet someone who likes you for WHO you are as opposed to WHAT you are? I know it sounds hard, but do I think it's worth it in the long run. The same goes for you ladies; if you're dressing with the sole intent to please men, and not to please yourself, then there is most definitely a problem. We all know that men's magazines these days (e.g. Esquire, GQ and FHM) are tailored for straight men. We all know that men's magazines these days give impressionable young minds the impression that being a man is all about cars, women and tits. I certainly used to think so. Well I've got news for you, Rambo. There's more to being a man than cars, women and tits. It drives me crazy! Web sites are aplenty with titles like How to dress to attract women, Too much muscle is unattractive to women (As if seducing women is ALL there is to working out), How to pick up women at the gym, and Types of fashions that women hate on men, how to get six pack abs. But you'd be hard-pressed to find a web site which advocates pure, honest self-expression. Which tells you to love yourself for who you are, rather than trying to be what you are not. I may not have a rippling six pack but does that make me any less attractive than a guy with one? Absolutely not! A six pack is simply an indicator of less than 10% body fat, and to say my body is less attractive than my mate's (who has a rippling six pack) would be nothing short of idiocy. It's an invalid comparison to make, to compare two different body types. That would be like saying that Kate Moss has a better body than Crystal Renn. Bollocks, isn't it? It's especially disturbing that the media has duped men into thinking that in order for their bodies to look good, they need to possess a certain "ripped" ideal, when that "ripped" ideal may not be healthy for them in the long run! I imagine eating disorders, e.g. the chicken breast and brocolli diet in Fitness Black Book.com. The fact is, that as an average man, you may be hotter than you think. You think that women only desire the lean and ripped cover boys of Calvin Klein, but really... The lack of "plus-sized" male models has resulted in the fact that you've been duped into a false, narrow ideal by the media. Oh, so you think you're a grown man just because you read FHM (which is patriarchal riffraff in my opinion) and subscribe to Askmen.com? You think you're a sophisticated grown man because you read and emulate male fashion magazines slavishly, even if the styles (there is a lack of androgynous representation in these magazines) don't suit your persona? Uh, no mister. It doesn't make you a man, it makes you a f**king child. I mean, come on! Biologically speaking, you're a fully grown man, so surely you can do a little thinking for yourself, can't you? Do you actually LIKE the look you are pulling off? If you do, then all power to you. (No sarcasm intended) But honestly, do you ever wish you could wear something outrageous (e.g. women's blouses, speedos, short shorts, and skirts), but refrained from doing so because no other guy wears them, and they aren't represented in your male fashion magazines, which therefore makes them "bad" fashion? Well then you need to grow a pair of balls and start wearing them. Believe me, it takes a HELL lot more balls for a man to walk around town in a pair of short shorts/skirt and tank top than it does in a suit and tie. To any of the detractors to men's fashion freedom, who say we who assert our freedom look "cheesy", "disturbing", "meatheaded", "tacky", etc, and that we need to somehow "improve" our fashion sense (ala if it's not mainstream predictable suit and tie/T-shirt and jeans, it's "bad" fashion), I say that we are doing something you wouldn't have the guts to do even if you were paid to do it, and doing it for free at that. So STFU please, and let us do our thing. Savvy? The point of this paragraph was that manly men do not follow societal trends blindly. Make no mistake, it's fine if a man wants to dress like a conservative, hetero-normative fashion (e.g. suit and tie), and subscribes to Men's Health (which in my opinion is all image, no substance), but if he is simply doing it to fit in, then that isn't good at all, nor is it very manly.

The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.

-Rita Mae Brown

2. A manly man is opposed to the patriarchy

It takes a big man in order to rule a patriarchy, but it takes an even bigger man to stand up against it. Basically patriarchy is a society which is highly male-orientated. Fashion, media, and so on and so fourth is tailored for the male gaze. You need to be aware (more importantly if you're a man) that patriarchy does not mean that men all enjoy an unlimited set of rights and freedoms. In fact, patriarchy actually curbs male individuality to a degree that we all end up looking more or less like carbon copies of one another. In order to claim membership in the elite clan of the patriarch, a man must first act and dress like a "proper man". Any intelligent person would notice that women enjoy much more fashion freedom than men.Oh do I have to go through explaining this all over again? Alright; let's just use a modern wedding as an example. You would notice that the women's fashion comes in all shapes and sizes, from backless dresses to long-sleeved gowns. Some modern women have even adopted the suit and slacks look, and this can be very flattering indeed, if done properly. In fact, women can practically choose to wear almost anything, so long as it isn't too obscene. Now look at the poor men. What choice do they have, but a nice, conservative suit? The fact that 99% of men at contemporary social functions wear suits and nothing else, demonstrates in my opinion that the lack of fashion freedom serves as a uniform of hetero-correctness in our misguided, homo/transphobic society. That men are being pressured to "join the crowd", or "rebel and suffer humiliation." The proponents of this rigid trend including some people I know maintain that we should be free to wear whatever we want, so long as it does not make other people (the homo/transphobes) uncomfortable (Catch 22, Much?!). In fact, "dressing well" in our highly conformist society not only means dressing tastefully; it seems there are some people who think that "dressing well" means sticking to your hetero-normative gender role. (There are some people who complain that Ellen Degeneres dresses to casually. But I fail to see how a $500 Gucci men's suit can actually be construed as being "casual". You see? People have a tendency to confuse "formal dressing" with "hetero-normative" dressing! 2 different things!) I like to describe my fashion sense as being "androgynous, bold, audacious and in-your-face" (think Andrej Pejic), and a men's suit and tie is hardly any of that. I say I don't like it, because it does not reflect who I am at all! It would be like a Jew wearing a T-shirt with the swastika logo on it, if you get my drift. I mean the lack of fashion freedom is fine if you're the kinda guy who isn't interested in fashion. But if you're a man and you've taken an interest in fashion, you would have to be an absolute dolt to say that men do not suffer from a lack of options in the fashion world.

Without suits, men would have nothing. In the hierarchy of style, a good suit remains a man’s only trump card. (These people obviously have never explored the concept of androgyny and the female gaze on men's bodies. It's almost as if the guys who wrote this aren't aware of the existence of androgynous men, and the fact that women too have libidos and enjoy the exposure of the male body) Even in this sad age of casual-wear (casual? You mean gender non-conforming), the suit still carries an air of success, taste, and sophistication. It is designed to make you look better, to break boundaries between social classes, to make a small man tall with pinstripes or a fat man rich with soft wools.

(The Morning News.org)

My theory is that the lack of support for male fashion individuality in such instances is a contraption of the patriarchy, a contraption of the patriarchal fashion police, in order to hide the male body to suit the straight male gaze, as we all know that "nobody wants to see another guy's junk... right?"

" Guys that wear short-shorts are typically homosexuals (think The Village People-YMCA) or yuppie up-tights with zero fashion sense.I don’t know how you figure that longer/knee long+ shorts being “gansta” or “rapper” influenced, that is a typical upper middle class suburban assumption.I am now over 30, was never “gansta” influenced and still feel more comfortable with at least knee length shorts! I don’t have chicken legs,so check that off your list as well.Never had a problem getting women wearing them as I have dated 2 models and numerous other very attractive women.

... Enjoy feeling secure in your little world of tight snug fitting clothing, maybe someday everyone can be, look, think and dress just like you. Guys should really all be parting their hair to the side and wearing 3 button high collar shirts, even when at home with their Stepford Wives."

(Excerpt from a forum on men's short shorts)

As a progressive-liberal man, this is NOT a good sign! The straight male notion that the male body is aesthetically inferior to the female body, and "sexier when it's left to the imagination", and that women do not ogle men's bodies in the same way women ogle women is a patriarchal construct. It's a construct in order to keep (average) men in ignorance of their own aesthetic worth in the eyes of the female gaze, and to repress women from expressing their appreciation for the male body, so as to keep men in a position of power (viewer) and women in the position of subordinate (person who is viewed). I recently read on Askmen.com a topic titled The Speedo Debate, which discussed whether speedos on men were good or bad. The authors described speedos as being "tacky" (of bad taste), and recommended that men instead opt for those baggy, long surfer shorts (which ironically, did not exist just 40 or so years ago until men started getting really sheepish about their bodies thanks to the rising power of the patriarchy in the post-liberal era of the 1980s). Funny that it just so happened to be written by a bunch of men, with no representation of female opinion whatsoever... I mentioned earlier that my style was androgynous, bold and audacious. The truth is that when it comes to fashion, male androgyny tends to be sidelined at best, and criticized rudely at worst. FHM Magazine wrote a column on the androgynous male model Andrej Pejic, criticizing his unique fashion sense:

"Designers are hailing him as the next big thing. We think "thing" is quite accurate.'

...'The gender bender has jumped the gun in hoping he might one day be signed as a Victoria's Secret Model (pass the sick bucket).'

...'More troubling is the fact that Andrej is not the only one when it comes to supermodels that are not all they seem.' The current face of Givenchy and “lady” locking lips with Kate Moss on the cover of Love magazine is transgender model Lea T. who began life as Leandro. One fashion trend we won’t be following.

Excuse my coarse f**king language, but, "thing"? "Sick bucket"? "Troubling"? Judging by their choice of vocabulary, and their blatant trans-phobia and total disregard for the LGBT community, these guys have made clear their sheer ignorance and fear of human diversity. They certainly wouldn't dare to have called Ellen Degeneres a "thing", as the feminist outrage would be overwhelming! Repressive parents create repressive children, and in this case, their repressions are clearly showing through their hostility against male androgyny, and if it isn't flat-out trans-phobia, then I don't know what it is. So thank GOD for my moderate liberal upbringing! So as you can see, we like to think of patriarchy as "women underprivileged, men over privileged", but clearly, the distinct lack of and overwhelming discrimination against male individuality I have just mentioned is hardly what any sane person would describe as being "over-privileged"! Choosing to dress differently from the majority of your gender does NOT make you a slob. Wearing a suit does not mean you have class. If I have to give up my speedos and tank tops and short shorts, and start dressing in a more restrictive, conservative, hetero-conventional manner (e.g. suits and ties and collared tees) in order to gain the approval of the patriarchy, and thereby obtain membership to be one of it's members, then I can only flash the finger and go on with life.

3. A manly man respects women, within reason

It makes me cringe every time I hear the phrase "Men need to respect women". Now hold on just a second. Think about it from a logical point of view. Does "women" in this case encompass anyone with a double-X chromosome? Does possessing a vagina automatically mean you should be entitled you to respect? Sorry hunny, but just because I speak up against the patriarchy and its shackling norms on all of us, does NOT mean that I advocate being a doormat to the female sex. You can go ahead and call me a bloody misogynist pig, but I'll stick to my guns here. Being a woman does not automatically mean that men should respect you, just as being rich doesn't automatically mean that you should be entitled to respect. That does not necessarily mean, however, that I hold the female race in contempt. What I mean to say is that too many men act like doormats to women for the sake of "political correctness"; too many men are too afraid of honestly expressing their anger towards women who have hurt them, too many men are willing to let their girlfriends/wives treat them like sh*t, in order to maintain their "gentleman" image. We boys (assuming we come from good families) are taught from an early age that we are to "respect women", as if women are a special kind of celestial being which should be worshiped as one would worship a God. I find it ironic however, that the girls are not being taught to "respect men"; if anything, they are taught that the male species is a kind of animal which only exists to procreate and recreate. Such a system is damaging to both boys and girls. It breeds a sense of masculine inferiority in the boys (e.g. Girls are always getting praised. Girls learn so fast. Therefore girls are better than boys. I certainly had that frame of mind, until I discovered that women were just as human as men), and a certain sense of smugness in the girls, ala "I can get away with anything because I'm a lady", "Girls can do everything boys can do, and do it better!", "Girls look hip in boys' clothes; boys look creepy in girls' clohtes"! Just imagine, hypothetically speaking of course, that my wife (I'm not married) slapped me, and I slapped her back. Who do you think is going to be more widely condemned by society, me or my wife? Well, the fact that I'm naturally bigger and (presumably) stronger means that the arrows will probably all point to me! I think it's about time we started holding men and women to equal standards of conduct, rather than making allowances for the female gender for the sake of political correctness. By holding women to equal standards of conduct with men, it would most certainly play a role in bringing a the equality of the sexes. Men should therefore treat women neither as inferiors, nor superiors, but rather, as equals.

4. A manly man has opinions (and isn't afraid to express them)

You have enemies? Good. That means sometime in your life, you have stood up for something.

-Winston Churchill

It seems these days that women are the opinionated ones. With hardcore prescriptive feminists like Germaine Greer, to the wide array of female political bloggers, it seems that every self-respecting woman has got opinions, and is not shy to express them. But it seems that men aren't as... Opinionated and politically aware as their female counterparts. It seems that any opinion they have has to do with the latest footy game, or which beer tastes best. The truth is that men are just as intelligent and opinionated as women, but are often reluctant to express their opinions for fear of sounding "politically incorrect." Fortunately, I am not like that, which is why I am willing to take the bullet for expressing my uncut, unadulterated opinions without pretense. As a manly man, the last thing you want is to be silenced into keeping quiet about your opinion by others. There is a particularly annoying sub-category of human, which goes under the name of the liberal fanatic. Basically a liberal fanatic is a so-called liberal who cannot accept that someone thinks and acts differently from them. These people are very patronizing, and will very often make unprovoked attacks on other people's culture, customs and beliefs (e.g. How would you justify XYZ? How do you know God really exists? What is your opinion on YTR? (They may as well be saying, "You had better answer so-and-so, or I'll start lecturing you on why you are wrong") Have you made any attempt to read ZYX?), and simply cannot disagree respectfully. If you say you'd rather not discuss the issue with them, they'll imply you are dodging the question. If you disagree with them in a polite way, they'll imply that you're racist/uninformed/sexist/bigoted/etc, and persist in trying to convert you to their world view. My advice to you as a man is to stand up to these people. Do not be cowed into thinking that your opinion is any less valid than theirs, even if they possess a fancy Ivy League degree (I actually knew someone like that, a MALE prescriptive feminist no less, who lived in the same studio apartment as I did at uni. It seemed as if he couldn't discuss issues that affect men without squeezing in female oppression, and reminding me that men are still "over-privileged". And he would hound me ALL THE TIME, in order to convert me to his narrow, one-sided world view. It's funny how similar these people are to evangelical born-again Christians; so convinced of their own moral and intellectual superiority). If you're a Christian/Muslim/Hindu/etc, and a guy like Richard Dawkins comes around and makes an unprovoked attack on your belief system, then do not be intimidated, regardless of whether they possess an Oxford degree. These guys are just upper-class bullies, who think that being an academic with a poncy degree gives you the right to patronize others who do not agree with you. I mean COME ON, he calls people who think like him "The brights", and if that isn't patronizing, then I don't know what it is. These people, when criticized for being arrogant, will retort that they are "very frank, and not shy about expressing their opinions", or "trying to get people to question their worldview" (if being frank and expressing their opinion means hounding someone who disagrees with them and trying to force that person into agreement). Yes, feminists and liberals can be bullies too, and I have often been lumped into the category of fanatical liberal, due to my strong expression of opinions. So stand up for yourself. Hold firm your opnions, and never allow anyone, not a feminist, not a liberal, not even ME, to make you feel guilty for having opinions that are different from theirs. Just because you are liberal/feminist does not justify harassing people who do not agree with your opinions. And just because you're a social progressive does not mean that everything you say is cold, hard fact.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

-Eleanor D. Roosevelt

If you're a conservative/conventional man, or a devout, religious person, and you feel offended by anything I have just said, then go ahead and express your opinion in the comments below. I won't sue you for expressing your honest, unadulterated opinion. I may be a minority (Asian and androgynous), but that doesn't mean I will cower behind the shield of political correctness when someone criticizes me. If anything, political correctness is simply a euphemism for failure to tolerate criticism.

Conclusion:

This essay has covered the art of manliness from three distinct angles, which I feel is sorely lacking in contemporary society. I personally feel that men have been duped into a false social construct of masculinity, and that true "manliness" means living one's life in any way he pleases so long as it does not undermine the rights of others. A true man wears what he pleases, says what he pleases, and takes the consequences of his actions like a man. He does not cower before the expectations of society, and is not afraid of embracing his own unique brand of individuality. Hopefully, we'll see a generation of real men in future.